Comfortable Denial

[tabbys_fics]

Title: Comfortable Denial
Author: why_me_why_not
Dedicated to: anasuede, for her birthday
Fandom/Pairing: SPN RPS, J2
Rating/Word Count: NC-17, 2800 words
Summary: Jensen hits his head and wakes up thinking he's Dean and Jared's Sam, and sex is the answer.

A/N: My mind is a strange, strange place to be sometimes. I started this forever ago and de read the beginning of it. Then I wrote the bar thing and lost the right to say "I don't/can't write RPS", so I decided to finish this as a present for de for her birthday. Unbetad, so please point out any mistakes you see. Title comes from the World Without Sundays song that I listened to several times on repeat while I was writing this. (okay, so it was comfortable denial and jonny lang's lie to me that I had on repeat. don't ask.)

For a moment, everything seems to be in slow motion. As he watches Jensen fall, all Jared can think is that someone is going to be in deep shit for whatever Jen slipped on or tripped over, but when the breath-holding silence on the set is broken by the sound of Jensen hitting the floor, Jared's practically pushing the others out of his way to get to Jensen's side.

Everyone's talking at once but it all blurs into a blanket of background noise. Jared can only hear Jensen's name rolling over and over in his head before falling from his lips. Jared feels someone's hand on his shoulder, hears a voice he should recognize telling them all to back up and give Jensen some room, but there's no way he's moving.

A few hours later, Jared's pacing back and forth, still dressed in the Sam-clothes he hadn't bothered to change before insisting on riding in the ambulance with Jensen. He's not sure the doctors here actually know what they're doing because they said there was no serious damage and everything would be fine, but they've been here for hours and Jensen is still unconscious!

On principle, Jared isn't overly fond of hospitals, but this is worse. Being here and watching Jensen, waiting for him to wake up, is making him think of scenes they've shot with Dean in the hospital. More than anything, Jared wants the director to call 'cut' and Jensen to hop up out of the bed, grinning that patently Jensen grin and demanding dinner and a beer.

Sudden movement from the bed draws Jared's attention and he sees Jensen wake abruptly, sitting up and looking quickly around the room, a bit of panic in his eyes until they land on Jared.

"What happened?" Jensen sounds much more demanding than someone waking with a head injury should.

"You hit your head," Jared starts to say as he rushes to the side of the bed.

"I hit my head?" Jensen repeats. "And you thought I needed a hospital? Jesus, Sammy, how many concussions have I had in my life?" He throws the blanket aside and swings his legs over the edge of the bed.

"Wait, what are you doing?" Jared's feeling confused and a bit freaked out about this attitude that's more Dean than Jensen, and has he just been called 'Sammy?'

"Leaving, what does it look like? Where are my clothes?"

"Jen, just let me get a doctor to come in here, okay?"

"I don't need a doctor if I just hit my head! Why are you being so difficult?"

Jared steps out in the hallway, shaking his head to try and make the pieces fall into some kind of sense, and in the short time it takes for him to walk back into the room with a doctor, Jensen's dressed and sitting on the side of the bed tying his boots.

"He doesn't like hospitals," Jared tries to explain hastily. "He says he's feeling fine and just wants to go home, isn't that right, Jensen?"

After a trying examination, a little bit of persuasion, and a long list of instructions, the doctors finally release Jensen into Jared's care. Of course, Jensen still thinks he's Dean and Jared's Sam, but he wises up quickly enough to play along. Jared refuses to think about the irony of Dean Winchester playing the role of Jensen Ackles.

There's a car waiting to take them back to Jared's place, and Jensen watches the passing streets studiously, as if he's trying to figure out what city they're in. He doesn't say anything though, and Jared doesn't know what to say, so the ride is a silent one.

When they reach his apartment, they're barely through the door before they're attacked by Jared's babies.

"Dude, when did you get dogs?" Jensen asks, seemingly surprised that the animals are comfortable enough with him to jump up on him in greeting.

Jared ignores the comment and the uneasy feeling it causes. "This one's Harley and that one's Sadie." He points at each in turn. "And they need to go out. Why don't you get a shower and I'll be back in a few?" He shows Jen to the bathroom and finds some of his clothes that had been left at the apartment, laying them on the bed.

Jared waits until he hears the shower start up before he steps out the front door with the dogs for a quick walk. He's still hoping the situation is all a twisted Jensenian joke when he lets himself back into the apartment, but he knows it's not when he sees Jensen studying the pictures scattered around the living room like he's never seen them, or the people in them, before. "You hungry?" he asks as he unhooks the leashes and hangs them up beside the door. "I can order a pizza before I jump in the shower. If you left me any hot water, that is."

"Cold showers are good for your soul, Sammy. And yeah, pizza sounds like a great idea. You know what I like."

Well, actually, Jared knows what Jensen likes, not Dean, and that's only on pizza. The way Jensen's looking at him is almost enough to make him blush, implying that they're not talking about toppings here. "Number's on the fridge; why don't you call and order instead?" He ducks out of the room before Jensen answers and slams the bathroom door a little harder than necessary. He tries to let the spray of water rushing over him wash away the craziness of the day, but by nature he's a worrier and what if there is an underlying head injury here that means he should have made Jensen stay at the hospital?

What's bothering him more than that, though, are the looks Jensen is giving him. Sure, Jared's noticed Jensen's fuck-me eyes. It'd be hard not to; Jared's known from day one that Jensen is sex. He's just never had those looks directed at him before, as much as he would've liked to.

And he really wouldn't be complaining about having Jensen looking at him like that now, except Jensen's thinking they're brothers and that is so not cool. Brothers don't look at each other like that. And brothers don't have to go take cold showers to calm down from heated looks. They don't specifically not think about one another while jerking off in said shower. The Winchesters may not be a conventional family, but Jared's pretty sure he would remember if incest had been written into the script. Dammit.

The thought that being in their own clothes might help, combined with the lure of hot pizza and cold beer, draws Jared to the living room after he dresses. He sits beside Jensen on the couch and reaches for a slice, hoping Sam likes something good on his pizza, because he is still most definitely not Sam. There's not a lot of talk as they eat, but the silence in the room is less companionable than Jared is used to. He's also not used to being so aware of every move Jensen makes, the way their thighs brush against one another whenever either of them shifts a little bit, the way Jensen seems to go out of his way to touch some part of him when he leans over for another slice of pizza.

Jared excuses himself to get fresh beers from the kitchen, and he's leaning against the counter, trying to figure out a way out of this situation, when he feels Jensen beside him, a hand ghosting lightly across the back of his neck.

"What's going on?"

Jared turns slightly, trying to figure out what he's going to say. "I'm just... this is all a little strange."

Jensen shakes his head. "Everything else in our life is strange. This, us, isn't." He tangles his fingers in Jared's hair and pulls him down into a kiss.

Jared kisses him back instinctively, soaking up the taste of Jensen and trying to figure out why he hasn't kissed his friend before now. He pulls away reluctantly when he remembers that Jensen isn't Jensen right now. He shouldn't be taking advantage. "Jen, we can't."

Jensen looks like he's going to protest, but he doesn't, just shakes his head again and grabs one of the beers Jared's pulled out of the fridge before returning to the living room.

After a few minutes, Jared follows him. He almost wants to sit on the opposite end of the couch, put some space between them, but he thinks that maybe drawing attention to the awkwardness will compound it. Plus he can't see the game as well from there, so the logical choice is to sit back beside Jensen, even though he knows it's a bad idea.

He knows it's not unintentional that Jensen is leaning into him, tries to ignore it when the hand Jen has resting on his own knee slides over to Jared's. He clears his throat and shifts his weight on the couch, but instead of taking the hint and moving his hand, Jensen just changes tactics and starts rubbing the inside of Jared's thigh. Jared closes his eyes and leans his head back. He won't admit to having had fantasies about Jensen, but he will say that if he had, hypothetically, then actually having Jensen's hand on him, the slightest touch, was so much more than he could have imagined.

He makes a sound of protest when Jensen's hand stops, but it's mere seconds before Jensen's straddling his lap, hands on the back of the couch as he kisses Jared again. Jared can feel Jensen's cock rubbing against his own and raises his hips a little to meet him, running his hands along Jensen's back.

"Sam." The word comes out on the exhalation of a shaky breath and runs right through Jared.

He wants to remind Jensen again that he's not Sam, but he's afraid that if he does then everything will stop, so instead he slides his tongue over Jen's lips and stalls any other words he'd make.

Jared knows it's wrong, on so many levels. They're roleplaying that they're brothers who are fucking, for one thing. Jensen obviously isn't in his right mind, and who's to say he would actually want Jared, want this, if he was. But the temptation to touch, to taste, to take is too strong for Jared to resist and he shuts away the rational thought for another time and loses himself in the taste of Jensen, in the feel of his body underneath his hands.

The couch really isn't big enough for the two of them, and its distracting Jared that he has to actually focus part of his attention on the two of them not hitting the floor. It's not fair when when the only thought he wants to have in his mind is Jensen.

He pulls away enough to mutter the word "bedroom" between them and then steals another kiss before nudging Jensen off of him. He's surprised they don't trip over one another as they stumble down the hall, but they make it in one piece, and the click of the bedroom door as he shuts it behind him effectively gives them a temporary reprieve from reality.

Jensen's already pulling his shirt over his head and Jared tosses off his own before pushing Jensen to the bed and crawling on top of him. Jared wants to taste the skin beneath him, explore, but he's afraid that if either of them has a chance to talk, they're going to say the wrong name and break the spell that's been woven over them. Besides, part of him, the selfish part, is afraid of slowing down, because this illusion could shatter at any time.

He slides one of his hands between them, under the waistband of Jen's sweats. As he wraps his hand around his cock, Jensen whispers "oh god" and pushes against his hand.

Jared really, really wants to hear his own name falling from Jensen's lips in that voice, but for now he'll settle for being called god.

He raises up enough to slide off both of their sweats and boxers so it's just his dick rubbing against Jen's, moves just so, and he can't decide what's hotter: the friction between them or the dark look in Jen's eyes.

Jensen reaches up, slides his hand around the back of Jared's neck, and pulls him closer. Their tongues slide against one another, keeping perfect time with the rhythm of Jared's hand as it wraps around both their cocks. Jen pulls back a little and nips at Jared's lower lip.

"Fuck me."

That sounds like an order, one Jared's definitely not planning on disobeying. He fumbles in the drawer of the bedside table for a condom and the tube of lube as Jen kicks his pants off the rest of the way and rolls over. Jared wants to ask if he's sure, but he doesn't want the reminder that he's taking advantage of the situation, and he doesn't want to hear Jensen call him Sam again.

He slicks up two of his fingers, slides them through the crack of Jen's ass and circles his hole before pressing in. When Jensen makes a moan of pleasure and pushes back against Jared's hand, Jared lets out an "oh god" of his own. He fucks Jen with his fingers, a moment of sanity intruding to make him wonder if Jen has actually done this before, but then his mind rationalizes that Jen obviously wants it now and that's all that matters.

And now is probably the operative word there, because just the thought of fucking Jen is enough to push Jared right to the edge. He quickly rolls on a condom and replaces his fingers with his dick. He slides his hand over the smooth skin of Jensen's back, whispers random words without thinking of them, and leans down to lightly bite the side of Jen's neck as he pushes forward. He feels Jensen's sharp intake of breath more than he hears it, but either way it's enough to make him freeze until Jensen starts moving against him, pushing back and urging him forward.

He wraps one of his hands around Jensen's cock and slides it to meet the tempo of his thrusts, hard and fast and hot. He's lost in just this, in them, and he's thankful that he can barely hear Jen's shallow breaths over the rush of his own blood, because he's pretty sure that it's not his name Jen says when he comes, hot and sticky, over Jared's hands and onto the sheets.

Jared's right behind him, and when he comes, he bites his lip hard enough to draw blood just to keep Jensen's name to himself.

*********************************

It's still dark when Jared wakes, but the bed beside him is empty even though he knows Jensen was half-laying on him when they fell asleep. He slips on a pair of sweats before going to search for Jensen. He finds him in the living room, staring at the television but not really watching it.

"Hey."

Jensen glances at Jared briefly before turning his attention back to the late-night tv.

Jared drops down beside him and reaches for the remote to flick the television off. "You okay?"

Jen gives a brief, humorless laugh. "Me? Jared... god, I don't even know where to begin apologizing to you."

"For what? Wait, did you just call me Jared?"

"Yeah, Jared, because that's your name and this whole weekend feels like an episode of the Twilight Zone. And what we did earlier..."

"Don't, Jen. It was... nice."

Jensen is silent for a minute, but the disbelief is clear in his voice when he does speak. "Nice? Sunday drives are nice. Presents from your grandma are nice."

"Could you please not mention my grandma when we're talking about sex?"

"I'm just saying, sex isn't nice, Jared."

"And I'm just saying, Jensen, I wasn't forced into doing anything I didn't want to do. Of course, I would have preferred it if you hadn't been thinking we were Dean and Sam in some Wincestuous relationship, but--"

"Wait, what? Wincestuous?"

Well, yeah. Winchesters, incest -- Wincest."

"Man, you are a freak."

"Me? I'm the freak? Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

"Yeah, actually, and there's a helluva bruise on my head."

"Yeah, I know." Jared pokes at the bruise.

"Ow, fuck! What the hell?"

"I'm just making sure you realize that you're not dreaming, or hallucinating, or whatever, when I do this." Jared leans over and kisses Jensen. "I wanted it. Wanted you. Still do, actually, but it's the middle of the night and I think the best thing we can do is go back to bed and talk about this in the morning."

"I'll sleep on the couch."

"No, my house, my rules. And my bed. Now."